Hetalian hand guide for hitchhikers
by Nagy Bari
Summary: Silly short drabbles about traveling by car and traveling with complete strangers Hetalian style. Written for smiling :) Current episode: Short stop - Canada, Switzerland, Liechtenstein
1. Introductions

Hetalian hand guide for hitchhikers.

 _Rule No. 1 Get the car to stop_

Stretching out your hand with a 'like' sign will get you nowhere. Get something big and some pen and write something catchy. Like "I know the Krabby Patty formula" or " I can cook pasta" or even better " Free Beer". You have it? Cool. You see they stopped immediately.

 _Rule No. 2 Get yourself in the car._

Okay, maybe writing " Free Beer" was a little too affective, now you have to deal with some disappointed and angry Prussian. Or Belgian. Or American. Or anyone. You have to admit it worked, though. As you have no beer with you, promise them to treat them to one after they dropped you somewhere.

Aw, aren't they sweet they accepted the offer. Now pray for whatever you believe in to have enough money for a beer. Otherwise that scary looking Russian's smile and fist will be your last memory…

 _Rule No. 3 Get yourself in a_ **right** _car_

If you're a hitchhiker but you don't really enjoy dangerous car trips and journeys never ever sit into any Italian, Romanian, Croatian, Bulgarian, Latin-American, Greek, Turkish, all in one Mediterranean or Latin-related car. Just don't. They have a different heart and blood system, you will never understand and survive one of those drives. Same goes for the visibly drunken drivers be it a German, French, Chinese, Japan or British. And before you ask an Indian as from the East is obviously completely out of the question. You do not want to experience the horrors of a crowded bus.

 _Rule No. 4 Get the right impression of your company_

No matter how nice they look like, they may have the most angelic smile and blondest hair and bluest eyes, if they have a visibly beaten up fellow in the back, or a strangely covered part they are most probably American psychos, half Italian mafia members or just Russia. If the driver is a female, be sure you understand her language. You don't want to find yourself speechless of her beauty _And_ the lack of your foreign language. Can be pretty awkward.

 _Rule No. 5 Get the right topic_

Politics is out of question. Historical topics are mostly connected to todays political situation so that too. Cultural differences are a big no-no. You may never know how awesome they feel themselves.

Talking about the weather is just too British (don't be that mad it's the hand guide and now you can relate to the point before. Am I right or am I right?). Movies and books can be too different for a normal conversation so the basic and safest topic would be your journey so far.

So you say you're actually running away? That's too barbaric, please change the topic to something more cultivated.

 _Rule No. 6 Know where are you going._

It can never hurt.

* * *

 _A.N.  
_

 _This story is dedicated to my wonderful friend Awenia, hope she enjoys it and don't worry once those driving lessons will end as well :D_

 _This was only the first little silly stuff, if you have any idea which nation should be the first hitchhiker and which one(s) the car driver (and crew) please drop a review with the names as you leave :D_

 _Sadly I hadn't read the galactic hand guide for hitchhikers yet but once I will. And maybe then have a little parody hetalia style. Or someone else._

 _Other reference was from SpongeBob square pants._

 _Hope you liked it,  
have a nice day :)_


	2. The Haribo guy

Ludwig was upset. No. Angry. Furious. Flaming from anger. Almost blowing his own head off from frantic madness. How own Earth, the planet of clean human reason could he run out of fuel in the middle of the highway? Just how? If someone can tell him the answer… they shouldn't risk it. He will probably blow their head off instead.

Not only was he risking to be probably late from his meeting (well thank you for asking, yes he did started his long journey about two hours earlier calculating with possible obstacles like traffic jam, accidents, sudden extreme driving conditions, but not this) but his flawless reputation of _always_ being on time was in grave danger as well.

You think it's funny? Try telling him that.

After exactly 5:21 minute of panicking Ludwig gathered himself together and created a sign following the little hand-guide he found in the car. There he was, standing at the edge of the highway holding a huge cardboard with the following text: "FREE HARIBO".

No, he wasn't joking. The book said to write this, he did as he was told. Besides, are you stupid? Germans and joking? He was dead serious.

After exactly 6:37 minutes since he run out of fuel and had to stop the first car passed by him. With about 200 miles per hour. The driver flashed Ludwig a broad grin and thumbs up, while screaming something in a language the poor German couldn't decode, once because he was speaking (shouting) too fast, second his speed was approximately light speed. The license plate claimed the owner of the car to be Italian.

At the 8:59th minute another car had come and passed him. The driver was laughing so much he couldn't keep the car straight, and Ludwig could see tiny tears in the corner of his eyes. The license plate told him that this was a French man.

At the 13:13th minute a new car appeared and slowed down. As it stopped in front of the poor German the driver rolled down the window and the unfortunate blonde forgot what he wanted to do in all his life.

\- Can I help you?

Ludwig lost his voice. Behind the wheel sat a breathtaking beauty with emerald green eyes, sunglasses in her slightly wavy long brown hair and an angelic smile. The German tried to collect his thoughts but failed miserably.

\- Where are you going?

The woman tried to help him out a bit, giggling. Curse those old hours he spent by studying classic arts, he could see al those angels painted came to life.

\- Um, I… Thank you, where I was going, yeah… - he laughed nervously, still trying to get himself together. – I was heading to… To Paris. Yeah. To Paris.

\- That's a pity. I'm going to Verona and it's the next turn actually. I wanted to help you. Maybe next time _Haribo guy_. –she laughed and rearranged her sunglasses driving away. Ludwig almost missed her license plate. Hungarian.

After a brief five minutes he was back to his old panicking self sending death glares towards his own car and mentally cursing himself.

At the 19:41th minute a huge rusty, dirty van stopped by radio so loud his head started to ache. The window went down and a strawberry blonde haired, red eyed man shouted out to him with a heavy accent, while the other travelers shouted the lyrics of the song on the radio in a horrible tone. The German could count at least 5 or more voice in that mess. Probably a group of friends going on vacation at the cheapest way possible cutting the money where they could.

\- Hop in blondy. There' alway' place for more sweet'! The kids will love ya! Where do ya want ta go anyway?

Ludwig didn't need to look at the license plate. The loud noisy van was undoubtedly from East-Europe.

* * *

 _First victim: Germany_

 _First rescuer: The Balkan family!_

 _Why these two? Germany had no vote in this question, maybe next time (sorry dude,_ Fate _made me do it) and the Balkans? You know the tumblr account/page/Idunnowhatisthat incorrectbalkantaliaquotes? No? Check them out and smile._

 _Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it, have a nice day :)_


	3. Renegades

_May I recommend to listen to X Ambassadors - Renegades while reading it.  
_

* * *

Erzsébet sat in the emergency line of the road, admiring the lights and wondering about the meaning of life when a car stopped in front of her. A charming blonde man with a little beard leaned over the window and with the most beautiful toothpaste-advertisement smile she had ever seen asked:

\- May I help you?

He was about the tenth male driver who stopped and offered his help with the most obvious perverse attitude. Erzsi sighed and remained in her sitting position, waving off his offer with the best careless expression. About like two minute of arguing the French man (his accent and the license plate give him away) gave up and left her.

Was she in a bit of a mess?

Correct.

Did she need any help?

Absolutely.

Did she want it?

Of course not!

She was about to leave everything behind, run away from her life, the past, the city, the people, just go and get lost, trusting herself on fate, letting the chances play with her and did care not a single thing about it thank you very much.

Why did she decline every offer she got in the past half or three quarter hour?

Those kind people reminded her of someone she had the unlucky chance to know, that's why.

She had her money and her reasons. What's more is needed to start a brand new life?

Erzsébet sat musing about her choices, acts, memories and waited for the fate to show her something new.

Felix popped open another coke can and took some huge gulp from the bubbling sweet stuff. After finishing it, he took an other candy and hopped it into his mouth.

\- You sure you don't want any? – he held one towards Toris, grinning because he was sure the other will decline. The other one was apparently clinging on the steering wheel like his life depended on it, indeed shook his head like a maniac whining like a hysterical little animal.

Who could blame him actually, as in Felix's other hand a gun was pointed at him, reluctantly but still aiming the driver.

\- Once we get out this car I'm gonna beat the common sense into you. – Toris murmured under his nose.

\- Hm? I cannot hear you, because I'm eating this awesome candy! – Felix shouted with greater volume than necessary.

\- I said you won't get away with this!

\- And then? You wanna go to jail with me so badly? And I'm the mad one?

\- You wanted to steal a car And forgot that you actually cannot even drive one!

\- One tiny mistake, it's not like I blow the hose on me.

\- Yes, it is.

\- Turn left.

\- . . . why?

\- Cause I said so.

\- Felix, if we turn left now, we can't go to the highway.

\- And why would you know that?

\- Because I have a driving license?

\- But I have the gun.

\- And I know the route to get us out of this city. Now will you let me get ourselves out of this shit or I drive to the closest police station.

\- Ow, how scary… Anyway we already left the left turn so the argument is invalid now.

\- How wise…

The next few minutes were spent in uncomfortable silence. Felix chewed on his candy, irritating Toris.

\- Turn left.

\- You wanna start it again?

\- I'm bored!

\- The whole thing was your idea!

\- But now I'm bored!

\- And what should I do about it, your majesty?!

\- I dunno!

\- Then shut up and let me drive! – now they were grumpy. – And couldn't you eat that f*king candy in silence?!

\- You're no fun at all.

\- Says the crazy guy with the gun.

\- That's IT! I can force you to be fun with a gun, can't I?

\- I'm trying to drive here!

\- You can still be fun in the same time.

\- If we end up in jail I will be the first to beat you up.

\- Don't tell me you don't enjoy it.

\- What, that we stole a car because you were bored and I have to drive since you cannot and we're playing with our almost normal reputation and a possible 10 years sentence in prison? How couldn't I enjoy it? Why do you ask? – Felix seemed to be offended by this answer so he stopped talking for about five minutes.

\- Turn right.

\- We have to go to the highway otherwise they catch us.

\- Turn right. The owner is still sleeping next to that lover of his they won't wake up even if you shoot a canon next to their ears, nobody saw us unless they heard your complaining stupid head so don't worry the police has no idea, now Turn. Right.

\- Ookay. – they turned right. – See, even you can speak like a normal human being.

\- I could take it as a compliment but nah. You screwed up that chance.

\- Yeah, yeah. – they had another long pause in the conversation before shouted into Toris' ears.

\- STOP!

Toris jammed the breaks immediately looking up to his friend horrified, before returning the scream.

\- What Was That For?!

\- There's a girl, let's pick her up! – Felix was already getting out and Toris could only follow him with his head as he swing around the car with a huge grin plastered on his face.

\- Hey, hello, do you want to come with us?

Toris was sure he will kill his friend once. For some unknown reason he completely forgot the tiny fact he could get out the car as well, so he just watched this surreal scene unfolding before his eyes.

Erzsébet looked up to be greeted with shining green eyes and a little bit messy blond hair, one hand in the farmer's pocket and the other one holding a gun aiming at her.

Quite a strange and unique thing if you ask her. She blinked back at the guy.

\- Or what? You shoot me?

\- Oh this? – he looked at the gun, now pointing towards himself. – It's just a toy, don't take it too seriously.

\- It's quite seriously loaded if you ask me. – Toris decided to join in the conversation, and shouted out from the car.

\- But I won't use it. I guess… - Erzsi still only blinked back at the blonde guy towering above her. – You want some candy?

\- Yeah… - she reluctantly took one.

\- So… where are you going?

\- Dunno.

\- That's great!

\- Why again?

\- We don't have any idea either.

\- I have, but not that clear…

\- She didn't ask you Toris.

\- And you haven't asked her name, idiot.

\- Oh yeah. I'm Felix, that grumpy cat in the car is Toris and you would be…?

\- Erzsi.

\- Great! So, will you come with us?

\- You seem a little… problematic.

\- We? Oh no, that's an illusion, we are the most innocent people in the world, why would you say that? – Erzsi only pointed her hand lazily on the gun. Toris laughed. – Oh. That's besides the point. Anyway why are you here alone?

\- I kinda ran away?

\- Then?

\- Then what?

\- Why don't you come with us? Or should I just drag you and throw you into the car? – Felix laughed.

\- I guess… I can go with you. Where are you headed again?

\- Who knows?

\- Sounds cool enough.

\- Then… Come with me- - Felix took Erzsébet's hands and pulled her up to her feet with a dancing move.

\- Oh not again! – Toris literally face-wheeled the car.

\- And you'll be, In a world of pure imagination!

As they sit back into the car Felix grinned to Toris, who sighed with an exhausted face and Erzsi giggled to herself as the fate could indeed show her something interesting.

* * *

 _Second victim: Hungary_

 _'Hero' of the day: Poland (and Lithuania)_

 _Sorry for the late update, but I hope this little silly chapter counts as a lame late Christmas present for all of you who were so kind to tag this nonsense as favorite. :) It always melts my heart._

 _Have a wonderful day and a happy new year :)_


	4. Grumpy cat on the road

**warning: This chapter contains curses and mild-swearing.**

* * *

Lovino was about to cry. How could it be his fault that his stupid uncle had to choose Germany of all places to go on a vacation! How could he be the jerk for pointing it out?! It was clearly Antonio's stupidity, he was just kind enough to say it out loud. He knew everyone thought the same. At least his brother thought the same. He kinda suspected that his little easy-go brother would be kind enough to think the same… For his beloved twin. Maybe.

Okay, maybe he was a jerk, maybe he swore more than necessary but that definitely not meant they could just simply dump him on the highway… The f*king highway! He was in the middle of nowhere, half way to Germany without any ID card or money and his own family left him on the road.

He heard what should a person do in this kind of situation but he was way more upset than to think straight.

So when the first car stopped with a suspicious man a cheeky grin, on his face, a mask covering his eyes and messy black hair to ask if he could help him in a rusty Arabic accent, he simply showed his middle finger and told him to khm… off.

The next time he was more cooperative. When the man with cold blue eyes light, blonde hair and a face that could freeze the ocean asked if he could help him Lovino actually answered with a full normal sentence using only swear words.

The third time a car stopped he was almost crying. And it did not helped that the driver was a kind blonde woman with smiling angelic face. So little 19 years old Lovino cried out his hearth, earning a laugh from the pretty woman, suggesting to hop in and she will put him out the next town if that's any help. Lovino was about to sit in when he finally saw the blonde tall man sitting in the back looking at him with piercing green eyes and a face that could scare off any pissed off bear or lion, he decided else-way. Emma – the pretty woman – laughed and assured him that this scary looking giant is only her brother, he may be a little quiet but he's a nice guy. That… didn't convince Lovino so he smiled and waved after the car with tears in his eyes as he was officially started to freak out.

He didn't even looked up at the next two cars, only holding up his finger as an answer, while he was cursing everyone, mostly that idiot Antonio, that stupid head, that…

When his stomach told him that this situation actually could be worse, and cold crept up on him, he gave up cursing. Okay, he was only cursing in his mind… Between two grumble of his stomach, he throw only 5 curse on his idiot family for this stupid vacation. What are you saying, he was doing a gooddamned job with that! Before that he was like 15 curse per second.

This was getting annoyingly ridiculous! The sun was going down and his family seemed to seriously leave him behind. Just like that. Who would do that to a teenager?!

When Lovino finally gave up and just sat there with a hollow face a similar car stopped before him. The door flung open and Feliciano actually jumped into his brother's arm with a cry of relief and hugged the hell out of Lovino. He just smiled and patted his brother's back in response, nodded towards their grinning Grandpa when he asked if he could finally learn the lesson and sit back.

When they were back on the road, the car running below them Lovino took a deep breath, preparing all his senses and energy left in him:

\- For fuck's sake what the hell was wrong with you all?!

* * *

 _A.N.  
_

 _Victim: /Romano_

 _Hero for rescue: (and Ancient Rome and maybe Spain... I'm not sure he was in the car or not...it's up to you)_

 _Thank you for reading, have a nice day :)_


	5. Drive like you own it

_Warning! I strongly blame the French movie series Taxi for this idiot idea_

* * *

The situation was Francis kind of forgot his driving license at home when he packed up for his one month journey around the world so when the surprisingly hot police officer asked for it he was too mesmerized by her eyes (body) to tell it in a cultivated way. Usually he had no problem with talking to beauties but this morning was surreal enough already.

Therefore he was halfheartedly smiling at the receptionist of the police station as he left and tugged his hands in his pockets. He could be quite ditzy in times and now that he thought about it the last time he messed up something was a _month_ ago and _that_ was some serious achievement. He could rent a car but then again his fee cut him back on the money and now he was weighting his options, going back home to actually get the papers but then again that would be way too lawful for his taste.

Hitchhiking sounded so much better in his head.

Anyway he was already halfway to Firenze when they stopped him and kind of reserved his car and to be honest he was way too tired and bored to think about it twice like is that even legal?

He was always proud about how awfully magically could he pack in into the smallest handbag and right now that he was aimlessly wandering along the road he felt like a genius. A free genius. A car-lacking but free genius.

Whatever, he always liked adventures and the unexpected.

He was ambling for hours when a car stopped next to him with a blonde guy and the world's most ridiculous eyebrows greeting him with the question: You need a lift?

First Francis was debating laughing him in the face or accepting his offer THEN laughing him in the face. As he was the free but car-lacking genius he choose the third option in between.

\- Thank you that would- BWAHAHAHAHAA!

He couldn't really contain his laughter so he cut himself in the middle with a healthy laugh. The eyebrows twitched.

\- You better not be laughing at my eyebrows…

\- No, of course what give yo- HAHAHAHA! – he tried to hide and suppress his laughter behind his hand obviously failing.

\- You have twenty-three seconds to stop and get in the car or I'll leave you here.

Francis instantly hopped inside the car, a navy blue mini hatchback and when he was sure to have all his limbs and his handbag safely inside the car did he asked back still fighting not to laugh (that loud).

\- Why twenty-three?

The eyebrows started the engine eyes locked on the road.

\- Why not?

\- For a moment I thought you have some weird obsession, like you wanted to say 13 actually but changed your mind because it would be a bad omen.

\- Having a French in my car is bad omen enough.

Francis blinked at the driver. Oh.. OH! It was a bloody English man. Truth be told he was covering himself perfectly behind those ridiculous eyebrows.

He asked for adventure.

He got it.

Thank you Fate.

They sat in a strange not yet hostile but way too awkward silence.

\- Thank you by the way.

\- Where are you going anyway?

\- I was heading to Firenze but my plans were roasted by a hot officer.

\- I don't even want to know the meaning of that.

\- I had a pretty planned schedule for my holiday trip but now it means nothing. Where are you going? – he asked after two minutes.

\- Firenze.

\- Oh.

The strange suffocating silence was back.

The English turned on the radio, but only Italian opera could be heard.

Francis was about to drift into a shallow but nice sleep when the driver snored.

\- That bloody son of a… like hell I would… That motherf-…

\- Is there a problem?

\- No nothing… Just. You see that blood red Porsche? That little f*cker is teasing me…

Francis looked and saw the said car ahead of them merrily swinging before them just out of the reach but clearly mocking their lack of speed _and_ effectively blocking their way. And for a minute he could see a snow white mop of hair leaning out of the driver's seat smirking and mouthing something that even seemed as an offence, winking then showing the middle. Glancing at his side he could see the anger boiling slowly in the English's head.

\- Oh you little bloody devil's f*cker!

\- Stop for a moment. – he said suddenly. The driver glared at him.

\- And let them away after that? Oh no, Mister that won't happen.

\- Then speed. – he gestured with his hands

\- That's not how it works…

\- Then let me drive!

\- What?!

\- Just put your feet on the gas and let me handle the wheel! – and as he said this he was already pressing his own feet on the gas, and on the English's feet for which he shrieked in horror.

\- Get the f*ck off me!

\- Then let me drive!

\- Like hell I would let a complete stranger drive my little one!

\- Then suck up what they offered you. – Francis shrugged again letting go of the other's feet.

Mr. Eyebrows' gears started to work finally and he sighed.

He stopped and got out of the car, Francis doing the same. They could see the Porsche slow down and the same white hair looking out the window. Laughing.

The English jabbed his door and Francis licked his lips. It was in years when he had a normal race and if his eyes didn't tricked him those duckheads were German… Funny.

\- You better not damage my little…

\- Look, you want to roast them or get roasted?

With this the English shut up.

Francis jammed the gas quickly speeding up in a second thus earning the position next to the Porsche for a moment to smirk at the German drives in a mock seductive way plus sending them a little kiss in the air.

The driver indeed had white hair, and from his paleness one could tell he was an albino. The passenger seat was also occupied with a bulkier but your typical German. Blonde, piercing blue eyes, and everything you know from the stereotypes.

Francis smirked again and stomped on the gas. Eyebrows besides him let out a shrike like yelp, one that would make teenager little girls a run for their money.

The race began.

* * *

 _A.N  
_

 _Victim(?): France_

 _Hero for rescue: England_


	6. Short stop

_Warning! slightly colorful language_

* * *

So maybe taking a quick stop in the middle of the high road wasn't his best decision. It wasn't like he just jumped out of the car, not at all. His brother asked for the stop because both of them were in serious need of it, you know nature calls. He was glad Alfred asked it since when he tried last time not a single sign of acknowledgment was on the driver's face.

Yeah maybe he was too quiet. Or they ignored him…Again.

So when their school bus stopped and two more boys got out he was glad, relieved and genuinely happy. There was no way they would forget him this way. The teacher did do a headcount after all.

 _Yet_.

Yet here he was on the empty road, no bus, no idiot brother, no nothing.

All his stuff safely on the bus, along with his ID, house keys and so in… He was doomed. Matthew wasn't one to panic easily so first he checked his pockets.

Some bubble gum, a pack of cigarettes, tissues, a rag for his glasses and some paper he had no idea what for. They had some scribble on them but nothing relevant to this situation so again…

He shrugged and decided to call his brother.

With his cell phone.

Which was happily traveling along with his brother on the bus.

He was doomed.

With a small little grey raincloud above his head he sat down and lit a cigarette. How could you blame him? It was impossible, he had no chance of survival at least his nerves would be smoothed a little. Anyway no one was willing to acknowledge his presence that's why he could smoke even in class without a glitch despite being only 17.

And don't you dare mentioning his brother doing the same without a problem because he was the freaking American 'pop' star of the whole high school. Even the principal was amazed by "Alfred's dashing personality". His brother was actually the little prince doing as he wished and no one dared to oppose him.

The little raincloud successfully extinguished his cigarette.

This day was getting better and better with every passing moment.

When a speeding car splashed the small puddle produced by the same raincloud all over his shirt and pants he broke out in a long swearing song cursing everything.

He just wanted to take a toilet brake was it too much to ask for?!

Vash still had some doubts about this little trip in the States but seeing his little precious only sister's beautiful aqua green eyes widen in excitement and amaze shushed his otherwise pedantic mind and raging thoughts.

Until his princess perfect sister asked them to stop and give a ride to that strange guy completely soaked and grumbling on the road side.

First he seemed shady.

Second, where on earth did he manage to get his clothes dripping from water on a full sunny day?

Third he was about the age of his treasured pearly sister and that could be problematic.

Whatever he listed as capable reasons and arguments his one and only maiden pure sister was already out of the car offering help to… that.

At least she could have put on a coat or something. She only had some way too thin and short T-shirt on.

Matthew couldn't believe his ears but learnt it decades ago to accept all help he can get (if he even gets. Being practically invisible had a price you know) so when a girl got out of the car that stopped right in front of him (as a fairy tale) and actually addressed him asking if they can help in anything he briefly told yes, that would be lovely.

\- So where are you headed? - the girl asked as she sat back into the passenger seat sealing her safety belt. He asked her and the driver again quietly as he entered the vehicle and adjusted his belts as well.

\- The next town with a calling booth will do actually. We were going to pretty far actually so I don't know yet how to inform them but as I said I guess a telephone boot will do. They still use some I guess here.

He was talking for about ten minutes when he realized they ignored him completely. Again.

Lili was mesmerized by the mere thoughts of them being actually in the State for a weeklong journey. Not only that but her brother, the infamous I'm-not-doing-vacation-as-it-costs-too-much agreed to do it and even came with her. The more the merrier they say and Lili was sure it is unforgettable. Their very first common vacation and it's across the ocean!

The sun was slowly setting down and the never-ending road was painted with the warmest colors, everything was like a dreamy movie. After the last rays left the horizon and the sky started to dark with every car they passed just before the stars lit up they entered the small but lovely town, the next point on their must-see list for the week. Parking down in front f their hotel her brother got out to get their bags and suitcases when he froze in his step.

\- So, now that you finally can hear me would you enlighten me where the actual hell are we.

\- The fuck are you?

In a minute Matthew found himself in a staring contest with a gun pointed at him and two completely alarmed yet genuinely surprised European.

* * *

 _A.N._

 _Victim: Canada_

 _Hero for rescue: Liechtenstein, Switzerland_


End file.
